Aggh, the Heartburn! That weird vibrating sound something from the other side of the room is making, because of the dryer below me, is driving me insane. And my mind won’t turn off! That my friends is why I am up typing at 12:30 a.m. while I should be sleeping. It’s not like I must get up and go to college tomorrow. Actually, that’s exactly what I had to do. As time goes on I dread college more and more. I feel stuck because I am. I can’t quit now unless I pay a lot of money, plus, a lot of time and effort and tears will have gone to waste.
Does this sound like you?
What am I supposed to do?
College seems to be the worst decision I ever made right now. My family says I won’t regret it later, will I? I don’t know. Laying here thinking about this and a decision I made to not wallow in self-pity, the decision I made to be happy, to do everything in my power to be who I am and beat SAD. (seasonal depression), made me think about how I should share with you guys things that have helped me in the last few weeks to survive college.
One must live, not just the waking up and functioning of everyday, but everyday being a beautiful function.
I had fallen into this routine of hating the way my life was, hating going to school, super hating my college math class, really disliking my English class and running to my car as fast as possible so that I could be away from people and then dread the drive to the library or coffee shop to do the homework I really rather would have liked to not do. Then I was dreading the thought of going home. I would eat supper and put in a DVD, anything to get my mind off of the assignments that were due, or the classes I had the next day. I would hate going to bed because I knew I had to get up the next day and do so many things that I hated.
This was the problem. How did I fix it?
I can’t say that I have 100% fixed anything. I do know though, that I need to stop thinking about all the stuff I hate. I can’t enjoy anything that way. Instead I need to think about other things. I need to change my routine so it sounds something like this:
- Get up and make a delicious cup of tea.
- Breath a few moments and think about every breath and the possibility that it holds. Yes, I have class today, yea I hate this class, but I’m going to discover some super awesome new music on the way to class. Or, I might sing and jam along with some oldies but goodies.
- After that class where I had fun making fun of all the people in the classroom, I can fetch the book out of my back pack that I found at the library last time I was there doing homework, snatch a few words of fiction before the next class starts, then it’s music again, while I’m gone to the library.
- If I look up for a few minutes from my dark brooding thought while I walk to my car, I might just see the best sky I have ever seen. I might see puffy clouds or twinkling stars.
Happiness is everywhere, we just need to look up and see it.
- If I were to listen for a moment when I get out of my car to go in and do my homework I might just hear the first few crickets of spring. When I stop thinking about how awfully I feel with all the hate pent up inside, I might just feel the warm sun shining on my face, or the cold wind slap me awake, or the tiniest drop of rain. I might smell the wind as the storm starts brewing or hear the water that runs under a bridge somewhere.
So here is the point. I hate to say it like this because it’s not exactly true, but sometimes, Happiness is a choice. I was at the point where I had excepted my depressed state. I let myself spiral downward into a bottomless pit of not good. But one day when I was in the library just about ready to throw the laptop across the room, the sun came out super bright. I shut my eyes and just took a breath. I tried to calm my mind and then I felt it. The sun warm my skin, I smiled. I smiled big. When I opened my eyes. I saw a library full of words and colors and the mystery of the unknown. I saw those little white flecks slowly floating in the beams of sunlight. And I thought, what is wrong with me, these are moments I’m never going to get back, why am I letting myself be miserable.
I had experienced just a bit of joy in the midst of my hardship. But, I realized that I had stopped seeing life, I had stopped living! I was just functioning every day. I needed to wake up again to the reality of the wonders that surround us every day. Yes, I still had to do the stuff I didn’t like. But, why couldn’t I do it all? I want to read, I want to just be home with my family, I want to feel the sunlight and work in the yard, I want to get my body summer ready. (and not pant after one flight of stairs). I want so many things, but I was so stuck on what I couldn’t do and what I had to do, I wasn’t able to see what I could do and what I needed to do for myself.
I really like the lyrics to “Up to the Stars” by Raelee Nikole I found the other day:
“So baby leave it up to the stars. You know that worrying will not get you far, because its all about the chances you take, do your best and leave the rest up to fate”
I reminded myself of the promise I made to myself a few months ago, I would do my best without sacrificing the most important things to me. I would do my best and not worry about it, because my best is all I can do. I don’t necessarily believe in fate, but I do believe that God will work everything out. If I do the best I can, God will have me pass classes if I’m meant to. I just need to stop stressing over everything.
It’s been a week since my realization. And since then, I have taken a spontaneous trip to the beach, I have about 100 new songs that I am working on butchering the lyrics to while I drive, and I am working out. (I am so sore)! I still have my moments, but I am so much happier. I think maybe I have put my life into some sort of order again. Every day is a new day and every day I learn a little something new.
If everyday is going to be a struggle, it might as well be a struggle towards happiness.